CD1

Yes that's right! It started! :(
I have been SO good in not testing~I guess I knew deep down that it didn't work. M wanted me to test early,but after researching other blogs I have seen,they don't test until much later. I didn't want to put him through torture if it was too early. So last night we went and bought tests-and by "we" I mean "he" went inside--yes I'm that wife that is even too scared to go inside and buy them! I don't like looking at them,I really don't like anything about them...unless there are 2 lines!!! I was thinking about testing this morning. So before I got out of bed I looked over to M and asked him "are you sure you don't want me to test this morning"--he said no! Well I went to the bathroom and AF showed her ugly little face!! :( I was devastated..kinda in shock really! I went back in to tell M and he was just as upset!
I feel SO bad. I feel like I am letting everyone down. Its so hard to have to tell everyone that knows I'm doing this cycle "No sorry I'm not pregnant"...
"Yes I will be taking more time off of work"...
"Yes I just waisted two thousand dollars just for a 'chance' at getting pregnant like a 'normal' women"...
"sorry honey your NOT going to be a daddy this month"...etc.
And the look I get--tilted head and a "aww I'm so sorry".
I called M on my way to work and he is really upset. He is asking "why is it SO hard for us to get pregnant,when there are 14yo's getting pregnant and people that don't have a home having babies"!? Talk about break my heart! I want to "fix" my body. I want to make him a daddy-because lets face it he is going to be THE.BEST.DADDY.EVER! I have NO doubts! I want my parents to be grandparents. I want my grandma to be a great-grandma. I feel like I let everyone down with every "negative".
I have these thoughts that I know these IUI's aren't going to work and we are going to have to end up going through the BIG beast IVF. I guess that's why I haven't broken down and cried a tear yet(although the end of the day hasn't come and I will see my hubby and probably start balling) today.
Sorry this post is more of a "venting/rambling" post...just wanted to get some feelings out.

**tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound. Lets pray there are no cysts left over from last cycle!!